You Know You're Studying For The Bar If...

A break from our regularly scheduled program….

You Know You’re Studying For The Bar If…

1.      Things that normally wouldn’t piss you off now seem like personal affronts.
2.      “Freaking out” is in the standard rotation of your daily emotions.
3.      You think this would actually be a very convenient time for the world to end. 
4.      You are definitely, totally, unequivocally addicted to caffeine, your barista knows your drink by heart, and you don’t care if you need to drink two 5-Hour Energy drinks back-to-back, because you’ll do whatever it takes.
5.      You get Tourette’s and curse-out inanimate things like your non-working cell phone or model answers that include ridiculous, obscure nuances and exceptions that weren’t covered in the lecture.
6.      Days have blurred together – you can’t distinguish yesterday from the day before and you have absolutely no idea what day of the week it is.   
7.      You can’t remember what a “gym” looks like.
8.      You Google things like “how to pass the bar” and actually look to see if there is advice that might help.
9.      Making interesting or vulgar acronyms for legal tests is the highlight of your day.
10.    You feel incredulous when non-bar takers invite you to fun events, or say things like “you deserve a break” – do they not understand what you are going through?? 
11.    You want to scream when answer choices include any one of larceny and/or/but not if/unless burglary/robbery.  WHY DOES IT MATTER – that shit got JACKED.  PERIOD.
12.    You can’t have meaningful conversations with anyone not preparing for the bar.
13.    People say things like, “You can take the bar again” or “It’s just a test” or “You’re really smart, you’ll be fine,” and you want to stab them with a fork.
14.    You question whether you really want to be a lawyer and fantasize about all the other jobs you could have pursued that don’t require taking the bar exam.
15.    You want to punch anyone who conveys Blackacre beyond his or her grandchild. 
16.    You read fact patterns and wonder if you can tie all these idiots together and push them out to the middle of the ocean.
17.    Your inner circle now consists of all those idiots: lazy painters and shady owners, non-complying merchants and breaching buyers, incompetent criminals, thrill-seeking minors, unreasonable manufacturers, stupid tortfeasors, overeager cops, people who NEVER follow the speed limit, and that fucking asshole who won’t record his fucking deed!!
18.    The hottest action you’ve gotten lately involves “touch and concern,” “firm offers,” piercing veils, commingling, and fertile octogenarians. 
19.    Routine conversation starters like “what’s up” and “how are you” leave you tongue-tied.  Should you tell them about your aching joints, sore muscles, eye twitches, muscle spasms, nightmares, and general inability to do normal everyday things because those brain cells are now reserved for memorizing rules like how to perfect a security attachment on an oven (which you will now, always and forever see as a “fixture”)…?  Or just say “fine.”
20.    A friend tells you about an upcoming vacation/party/anything else a normal person would look forward to and all you can think is: I hate you
21.    Shaving isn’t a priority anymore, and for that matter, neither is changing clothes or trying to look good at all. 
22.    You have trouble sleeping or have developed a drinking problem.
23.    You’ve cried at any point because you bombed a practice test.
24.    You’ve cried.
25.    You dream of revenge and want to intentionally inflict emotional distress upon the bar exam, until you realize you can’t because your tort would fail the IIED test.  And then you want to shoot yourself for actually running your fantasy through the proper legal test.
26.    Any inhibition you might have had about categorizing your “doctorate” as a true doctorate as opposed to a master’s degree has evaporated – you've totally earned this shit.

NOW GO OUT THERE AND KICK SOME BAR EXAM ASS!!

33 comments:

  1. I love it! Totally needed that... thank you! must say I have done a ton of those... good luck! :)

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  2. omg. hilaire, yvonne.
    i want everyone who is ever conveying anything to be able to name each individual who is getting anything, by Name, and make sure they'll get it in less than LIB+21 yrs.
    i think i need to amp my vigor and intensify my hatred. i've been doing this bar studying all wrong, i've been channeling my hate towards barbri, when they just exist to create check points along this high way.

    btw, i was thinking how a friend of mine was telling me that the bar is a marathon, not a short sprint. BUT HOW THE F* WOULD I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A MARATHON? Or how to prepare for one? I'M NOT A RUNNER!
    F you!, F you!!!!!...then, I'm f*ed....(sad faces to the world)

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  3. I am sharpening my forks to make #13 a reality... and yes, as I write this I am considering what crimes and intentional torts I will have to face after the stabbing or threatened stabbing...FML

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  4. Ginny sent me this last night while I was having a freak out - I was sitting on the couch wishing I could reach through my phone and strangle the person who just told me "you're smart, you're gonna do great!" This was exactly what I needed! Well done and good luck!

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  5. Oh my god, Yvonne, this totally all true!! My *minor cursing problem* has hit an all time high. I unplugged the printer one night when I decided it really just wasn't fair to the printer anymore.

    And going off of number one, I've started taking personal affront at some of the practice questions:"What are you implying about the stage hand (sic.) with the shotgun? Are you calling me stupid? Careless? Implying I'm too dumb to pass this test? I don't even own a shotgun!" or "What do you mean by 'bad neighborhood'? Why does it have to be a bad neighborhood? Why was she threatened by the men? Is this a racial question?"

    I miss you! If we're both still alive, I'll see you on the other side!

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  6. I wonder if there really is a plot of land out there in the vast expanse of America named Blackacre, with an unrecorded dead and 15 weird easements. Probably not, law students would set it on fire.

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  7. if you dream you are at a party and challenge the police who attempt to enter the house on 4th amendment grounds...and when you wake up you realize your answers were spot on

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  8. I thought I was the only one feeling all those things...it's nice to know I'm not completely insane!!

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  9. This completely made my day! Thank you a million times! And yes, Blackacre MUST burn!

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  10. I haven't laughed out loud like this since I began studying for the bar! Thank you, I seriously needed that!
    And if another person tells me they have faith in me...I'm taking them to Blackacre and dropping them off with only a compass and a bottle of water.

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  11. Wow, this is AMAZING. Thank you for distracting yourself from studying in order to provide us all a distraction!

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  12. Absolutely hysterical and DEAD ACCURATE! I've shared this on fb so people can get an idea of how horrid this process is.

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  13. hysterical. thank you. ridiculously accurate! i totally had 2 red bulls, 2 glasses of wine, and my freak out moments. glad to know i'm not alone.

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  14. Adding one to the list. True story.

    You get a recall notice from Honda, your car manufacturer, about a dangerously defective airbag problem in your car. You don't have time to take your car to the dealership for it to get fixed but spend 20 minutes thinking about what would happen if you get into a wreck and the defective airbag causes serious bodily injury or death. Will Honda be strictly liable? Will your damages be reduced because of assumption of risk, contributory negligence and/or comparative negligence?

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  15. I had just finished a bar-induced crying jag when I read your post. This was just what I needed. Thank you!!! I think my favorite is the pointless searches on Google to find out how to pass the bar exam. So true.

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  16. You tell your friends that there's nothing you wouldn't rather be doing, and you're dead serious.

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  17. ALL i have to say is that every single point is true! I've gone off on my friends and family for asking too many simple questions without giving me 4 options, i walk into starbucks and they are like "normal double shot espresso?" and i swear to god, if i see one more "surprise" law in an answer choice being a week away, i'm going to do something with malice aforethought (ughhhh)

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  18. #27 you wish people would just shut the fuck up until they come into court so you don't have to deal with any fucking hearsay rules ever!

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  19. I had a dream last night that I got carjacked...and I freaked out because I thought my bar review materials were inside.

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  20. Is it bad that i have already stabbed someone with a fork because they said they have faith in me?
    New one: yes of course, a bull is a domestic animal, as much as i have a pet tiger in my yard, fucking morons.....

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  21. Been there; my advice: At this point, remain calm, cool and collected, focusing only on your bar review until day two before the bar. On that day, allow the first mundane thing that goes wrong to throw you into a totally hysterical screaming, crying and sobbing fit for about two hours. It helps the intensity and impact on yourself if there are witnesses. When you are finished, you will be ready to wind down your review and focus on the bar.

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  22. My wife is studying for the bar currently and she has stabbed me with a fork for expressing my faith in her. Twice.

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  23. I go to mcgeorge, I don't know where you're from but this is perfect. Gracias. I posted this on fb.

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  24. Wow, thank you for your funny and thoughtful comments! This post has gotten over 17,000 hits in 13 days so I think I can safely say that there are a lot of stressed out bar students out there (and people who care about them). Not to be a total cheesymccheeseball, but that indicates to me that A LOT of students are feeling "bar rage," and I'm happy that this post let's everyone know: YOU'RE NOT ALONE! Thanks for letting me know that *I'm* not alone. ;)

    See... I got pretty cheesy there. Thanks guys. :) Now go kick that exam in its teeth!!

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  25. I'm not taking the bar. Actually...I feel very fortunate that my master's is in something entirely different.
    But one of my best friends is going to take it in less than a week.
    I feel incredibly sorry now after reading this post. And yet very thankful he's too far away to have stabbed me with a fork.

    I feel if I said I wish all of you the best I'd get cyber-bullied. So, I'll just say I'm glad this post made all of you feel less alone.

    And I actually went to wikipedia for "Blackacre"...what.the.f*ck.

    I get it.

    Go f*ck up shit. Particularly the exam. Royally.

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  26. Just commenting to say this post was the first to pop up in google when I entered "all of my boundaries are totally shot because I'm a stressed out bar exam wreck. take that, google."

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  27. You made me laugh out loud, Erica!

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  28. Now I feel guilty about nicknaming my 24 yr old daughter Stephzilla, she is taking the bar at the end of the month. PS Mothers of children who are studying for the bar understand why animals eat their young!

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  29. My latest habit is watching Benny Lava!
    http://www.collegehumor.com/video/3382273/benny-lava

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  30. This is hilarious! Totally LOL'ed at #13!

    Thanks!

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  31. Thank you for this! Seriously!

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  32. I have read this multiple times through my torrid bar review schedule - it has been one of a few things that have kept me from slipping farther into insanity. Thank you for the humor!

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