You Know You're Studying For The Bar If...

A break from our regularly scheduled program….

You Know You’re Studying For The Bar If…

1.      Things that normally wouldn’t piss you off now seem like personal affronts.

2.      “Freaking out” is in the standard rotation of your daily emotions.

3.      You think this would actually be a very convenient time for the world to end. 

4.      You are definitely, totally, unequivocally addicted to caffeine, your barista knows your drink by heart, and you don’t care if you need to drink two 5-Hour Energy drinks back-to-back, because you’ll do whatever it takes.

5.      You get Tourette’s and curse-out inanimate things like your non-working cell phone or model answers that include ridiculous, obscure nuances and exceptions that weren’t covered in the lecture.

6.      Days have blurred together – you can’t distinguish yesterday from the day before and you have absolutely no idea what day of the week it is.   

7.      You can’t remember what a “gym” looks like.

8.      You Google things like “how to pass the bar” and actually look to see if there is advice that might help.

9.      Making interesting or vulgar acronyms for legal tests is the highlight of your day.

10.    You feel incredulous when non-bar takers invite you to fun events, or say things like “you deserve a break” – do they not understand what you are going through?? 

11.    You want to scream when answer choices include any one of larceny and/or/but not if/unless burglary/robbery.  WHY DOES IT MATTER – that shit got JACKED.  PERIOD.

12.    You can’t have meaningful conversations with anyone not preparing for the bar.

13.    People say things like, “You can take the bar again” or “It’s just a test” or “You’re really smart, you’ll be fine,” and you want to stab them with a fork.

14.    You question whether you really want to be a lawyer and fantasize about all the other jobs you could have pursued that don’t require taking the bar exam.

15.    You want to punch anyone who conveys Blackacre beyond his or her grandchild. 

16.    You read fact patterns and wonder if you can tie all these idiots together and push them out to the middle of the ocean.

17.    Your inner circle now consists of all those idiots: lazy painters and shady owners, non-complying merchants and breaching buyers, incompetent criminals, thrill-seeking minors, unreasonable manufacturers, stupid tortfeasors, overeager cops, people who NEVER follow the speed limit, and that fucking asshole who won’t record his fucking deed!!

18.    The hottest action you’ve gotten lately involves “touch and concern,” “firm offers,” piercing veils, commingling, and fertile octogenarians. 

19.    Routine conversation starters like “what’s up” and “how are you” leave you tongue-tied.  Should you tell them about your aching joints, sore muscles, eye twitches, muscle spasms, nightmares, and general inability to do normal everyday things because those brain cells are now reserved for memorizing rules like how to perfect a security attachment on an oven (which you will now, always and forever see as a “fixture”)…?  Or just say “fine.”

20.    A friend tells you about an upcoming vacation/party/anything else a normal person would look forward to and all you can think is: I hate you. 

21.    Shaving isn’t a priority anymore, and for that matter, neither is changing clothes or trying to look good at all. 

22.    You have trouble sleeping or have developed a drinking problem.

23.    You’ve cried at any point because you bombed a practice test.

24.    You’ve cried.

25.    You dream of revenge and want to intentionally inflict emotional distress upon the bar exam, until you realize you can’t because your tort would fail the IIED test.  And then you want to shoot yourself for actually running your fantasy through the proper legal test.

26.    Any inhibition you might have had about categorizing your “doctorate” as a true doctorate as opposed to a master’s degree has evaporated – you've totally earned this shit.

NOW GO OUT THERE AND KICK SOME BAR EXAM ASS!!